Heineken Soccer City at K1
This is an absolutely sponsored article about Heineken hosting us to a UEFA Champions League Final match screening at K1 Klubhouse this past weekend, but there’s also a part about an unforgivingly beautiful marine female Pilot who’s a fashion blogger which I think you should read on and get to… But you make the choice. I like throwing it in early. That’s why I can’t be a preacher, I’d start by telling the congregation that I am about to rant and curse about fornicators, adulterers and chicken thieves just to give them a head start on leaving the church early. I also cannot write mystery thrillers because I’d start by saying something direct like, “I killed someone, it’s me, I did it.”
Saturday. Juventus FC and Real Madrid went head to head in the UEFA Champions League (UCL) final. Of course I knew Madrid would win, but 12 years of seeing Arsenal win nothing but tackles and sawdust has taught me to be a silently confident man. I can know something, but you won’t see me throw it on Social media for y’all to take screenshots and banter the hell out my social media experience. Heineken, the world’s leading international premium beer brand and official partner of the world’s most prestigious football competition, held its annual match screening of the final in an exclusive final viewing party at the K1 KlubHouse in Parklands, Nairobi and Thindigua, off Kiambu Road. Two things, this thing has been happening annually, which goes on to further my theory that I may have been living my life as a Kiwi Plant in Nyamndhiro all along. I was just born in May this year afterall. Secondly, it was exclusive… Let that sink in, that I am finally living up to my dreams, which is being invited to watch other prosperous people and want to be like them.
I won’t talk about the game, unless you want me to explain why I think I should have been a footballey, my sentiments stemming from the shape my leg takes when I twirl in bed. I always look like I’m ready to kick, and I kinda-sorta saw someone kick a ball with my sleep twirl-kick gait, which probably means I’m talented as (Insert a brief insolent curse word that can turn a head or two here), and that I am just too lazy to kick a ball. I can cheer and that’s enough exercise. So let’s ignore the game and say it was played in 90 minutes and Madrid won by an obscene margin for a football final. We can also say, as we close the football chapter that there are people like Zidane who are born lucky enough to win World Player of The Year, The World Cup, Leagues, The Champions league as player and coach of the same team more than once… And there are people like myself who cannot get three matching options in any scratch and win raffle since 1992. But aside the football it was an event that gave consumers (Akina sisi) the opportunity to enjoy an exclusive Heineken experience, viewing the match in a unique setting with massive high definition screens (guys there were 8 screens and seats arranged like Tok Komwanda stadium), while winning a variety of special edition UEFA prizes.
This is the part I get to gloat about people who breathed the same air with me within a 5 metre radius dome. In attendance was Capital FM’s Archer Mishale, NTV’s Watson Karuma and Brian Otwal, Citizen Digital Matthews Mutai, Ebru Tv’s Davis Mberia, Media Max’s Patrick Kihoro and social media enthusiast Mumbi Ndung’u (Yeah I know there are people you don’t know there, but pretend you do, and Google. Google is free, fair and just, credible and objective. Google is also 12 years old). Then there was Liz Marami, who on the basis of the whispering around me (You know that type of whispering in a club where you don’t even pretend, you just look at someone and gossip about them in whispers while occasionally stealing glances), I gathered was a Pilot and fashion blogger. Not just any pilot… Kenya’s first Marine female Pilot. Did you know there is something like a Marine Pilot in the first place (You can Google it by the way, nobody will judge you because I also did and it feels hell great to know something some politicians don’t know). The only thing I can brag about being Kenya’s first, is that I am Kenya’s first son of my father and mother and I am contented with that title. Yes, she looks the part, and purrs a scent of lavender and the white of an apple… But see… She came to K1 to watch football. To add on to that, she screamed when goals were scored, and not when a more than average looking European footballer (I cannot use the words females use to describe good looking men because I… Well I just can’t). Some of y’all crop top activists can’t stand us watching soccer on TVs we have bought, on cables we have paid for and here she was… Liz Marami, Pilot, Fashion blogger watching and screaming amongst the brawling sweat and hoarse voices of beer men. God bless her lovely self. This is also the time to go on Instagram and Search her name. I should thank Heineken though… you don’t meet such people in water drinking technique seminars.
It all ended with a comment from Heineken’s East Africa’s General Manager, Uche Unigwe who said, “Heineken enjoys a partnership with UEFA as it is one of the official sponsors for Champions League; ‘we are delighted to host international events of this kind so that both football enthusiasts and Heineken consumers can be a part of this fun filled experience to celebrate the planet’s greatest game”.
Yeah sponsored message, weep if you pay our bill.
I’ll leave you with these photos…