Being a Man is Easy…
By Guest Writer (Shadrack Landi)
Being a man looks easy, at least from the other side. Ask a lady, any lady; and they will tell you that we have it easy. What’s so hard about waking up at 6:30 and being ready by 6:45? Or not having to sit in front of a mirror with a pencil trying to line your eyes? Guys can walk around in a pair of khaki shorts, t-shirt and sandals on a lazy Saturday and decide to go to a wedding without even changing. Have you ever seen a woman do that? You’d have to tell her about the wedding three days before she is born; she has to find the right dress, pay a deposit for it, go around town looking for the same dress just to make sure it’s not available anywhere else. Because Mary; Tom’s chick – the one who always wears the same thing as her (you know her right?) might just show up in the same ensemble. That’s a recipe for disaster.
You do not want to be sitting at a table sipping your soda and having the best man’s speech interrupted by “what’s wrong with her? Of all the dresses she chose mine?” and you will start by saying something stupid like: babe, the dress you have on is yours that one she has is hers kwani what’s the big deal? Because for us guys it is never that serious. We can have the same “I love boobs” t-shirt and we’ll laugh about it, slap backs, crack jokes, grab a beer and promise to wear it the next time we’re out again and post a picture on Instagram tagged bromance. She will look at you like you are Potiphar’s wife “you can’t be serious right now!” she will fume “You think she looks better in it don’t you? What’s the big deal?!” She will scoff and give you the side eye while she lazily holds a bottle of water, the rim kissing her lips but never tilting it to take a sip, then she will put it on the table, tighten the cap, cross her right leg over her left thigh, shoot a stink eye at Mary look at you and say defiantly “Babe, let’s go.” In a hushed tone. Her voice will be soft but her eyes will be fire.
Just like that you are in trouble for a dress you did not buy, heck you did not even wear it, and because you’re a man and stupid you will say “But we have not even had cake”. You figure ladies love cake, and that cake to be honest looks delicious, and you secretly hope that from the design when they go to cut; it breaks and falls – so you can laugh about it later with the boys over a cold one and some nyama. She will get up and walk graciously away, tugging at the hems of the long pink flowered dress smiling surreptitiously at people she has to move in between whispering “something came up” to one and “I’m not feeling so good” to another and an absent minded “I’ll call you soon got to go” to a high school friend she did not know she even had. And because you are a man, and you are stupid, and you don’t know why a look-a-like dress is a big deal you will sit there for five minutes before it hits you that you should probably follow her. You will pass by some guy you know and he will raise his hands and eyebrows asking what’s up; and you will say something like “She just said we go si I will call you baadae?” the guy will nod and pat you on the back as you go. By Guest Writer (Shadrack Landi)
In the car, or cab or jav she will have an attitude that’s as bad as stale bread. You will try to crack a joke but her eyes will meet you with contempt. You will drop her off, maybe her place or in town and say you have to meet Kevo for a few before you go home. She won’t say anything she will just walk away; no hug, no word, no nothing – in her dress that when you think about does not really look anything like Mary’s – just the color.
After a while the storm will lull and things will have smoothened over, the both of you are cracking jokes over coffee and holding hands when you walk, normal. Then on your way from that coffee some lady will pass the two of you, she will have bends like Beckham, a bosom so huge it spills over her sides such that if her body was a football pitch they would be offside. And you won’t even be looking at her, no, she will just be right in front of you, there’s possibly nowhere else you could look. It’s her fault for being in your line of sight. Then you know how the devil sits and thinks he is too bored and that hell has dropped a degree or two since last week, mpaka Hitler is losing his tan; and Hitler can’t lose his tan, so he will spice things up kidogo. He will blow that perfume that smells like a rose’s stigma just got complimented by the stamen into your face and you will kidogo lose balance.
Si you know how it goes in the movies? You go to your left, she goes to her right. You go to your right, she goes to her left. Then you stop, look at each other, she giggles, you mumble an apology and walk away. It’s the moment. Ideally this is how people should fall in love. You don’t even make much out of it until you find babe standing a few paces ahead, not looking at you in particular, she’s looking past you, she’s looking at the moment you just had, she’s looking at the past and your stupidity, and she just can’t see how it is the same person. You will come back, a man and stupid: babe si that was awkward, you will say. She will scoff and say something like: what was awkward was how you were staring at her chest. But babe, si they were in my face where was I supposed to look? You will ask. I don’t care you should have looked up to the lord where your help comes from for all I care. Then because you are a man and stupid you will escalate it. Right there in the CBD outside some stalls that are selling body con dresses on white mannequins and one selling jewelry.
“Ah! What do you want?”
Then she will just look at you, shake her head, and start walking away. You might follow and say sorry. Actually you should follow and say sorry. Follow with a prayer to ask God to keep the devil busy, I mean Trump is still alive. Something. But you will also walk away because let’s face it you’re a man and you’re…
But just like the other storm this one lulls over, smoothens out and 243 days, 13 hours and 41 minutes later you are at another wedding. You will spot Mary somewhere and because you’re a man and you’re stupid you will say:
“Hey babe, si your dress looks like hers?”
Scoff. Being a man is easy?