Humour

How to Win The Woman…

There are three things I do best: I eat chapatis properly; I can tell a story decently; and I can destroy a reputation. I don’t believe in being modest. My entire being is built around ruining people’s images. That’s the only reason I have Photoshop and a dictionary. You might not be particularly satisfied with your station in life, but you’ll feel a lot better about your existence if you’re surrounded by people more miserable than yourself. It is a scientific fact that the most content people on the planet live in mansions in Third-World countries. Some people seek fulfillment through religion or self-improvement. They go to church where the pastor and the wife are called Mummy and Daddy (I’m not blessed with that ability yet, though I’m waiting on the Transfiguration to happen to me because I’m convinced that is the only power that can lead me that direction).  To me, happiness is a simple three-step process: Befriend the miserable, assault the cheerful, and abandon all hope so you’ll never fail to meet your own expectations.

If you guys thought Benjamin would walk away from me, you are wrong. Benjamin cannot think without me, and I cannot live without Benjamin. He is ready made miserable, I don’t have to struggle. And, Benjamin can control dogs’ emotions. Like when a dog starts barking at you, he can calm it down and make it wag its tongue and roll on the ground. I value that ability in Benjamin. Dogs and I have been mortal enemies since time immemorial, mainly because those barking canines are genetically hardwired to seek out the easiest prey.  I’ve always had the proud distinction of being both slow and tasty. When I was six, a puppy had me running around a neighbor’s compound for 47 minutes. Of course the little damsel thought we was playing, but my feeling that time can only be equated to being a French footballer in the last minute of last night’s EURO 2016 Final. I knew I was dying. I never recovered 20 something years on. So Benjamin and I are a good fit.

Last time I told you about Benjamin’s girlfriend, right? Jessica… She had him calling me. From what I wrote last time, you’d expect Benjamin doesn’t want to hear anything about me. But Benjamin rates my thinking so high… To Benjamin, all that’s left to do is for me to learn to breathe fire because I can do everything else (I am Khaleesi). So he had a problem… that some guys richer than he is are hitting on Jessica. Don’t forget, Benjamin’s father is a bank in his own right (That’s the only explanation I have to marrying two wives, each of them with their homes in Kitisuru and Kileleshwa). He needs my help.

The perks of dating a beautiful girl include male drivers slowing down on major highways so both of you can cross the road (Of course she’s the one closest to the car), a colorful life on social media (particularly Instagram) and a hoard of men who imagine they can snatch her away from you. I date a beautiful girl so I should know best. And I told him to read my blog on Monday so he can know what he should do.

Benjamin, first of all, you need to convince yourself whoever those men are, they are miserable. It’s what I do. I was never this way, and you can’t find traces of my childhood friends to tell you anything. There’s nothing from my younger days that’s really worth hiding, but destroying friendships from that time period made it easier for people to accept that I skipped infancy through adolescence by being born old and bitter. So this is just a morphed version of me talking Benjamin. You need to find what is miserable about these men. A blogger was hitting on my beautiful girlfriend. I convinced myself the only reason his back looks like the back of that curved DSTV remote is because he pees while seated or squatting. It makes it hilarious every time I see him anywhere, even on social media. When I meet him in person, I’m usually so confident because I know something he doesn’t know. . The other one cannot spell his name correctly. On social media, he’s written his own name with a messed up spelling. The only thing sad than that can be Hiroshima… So Benjamin, you need to find fault in whoever those men are. Usually it’s very simple, just look at their face. Simple features like eye placement, head shape, arm length and finger nails go a long way. There is a fault somewhere. That is the first step Benjamin… To convince yourself the other person is miserable than you are. From then, you stop seeing him as a threat and see him as a clown. You will look at them and laugh. It helps.

Secondly Benjamin, groom you. Everything you do amazes me. You eat food that’s been lying on the ground for anywhere from a few seconds to a few days. Also, you have that mercenary look; sometimes I imagine that when the mood strikes you, you can lick strangers. Just from how you look. If white-collar jobs reek incompetence, then you look like their finest product. You are what you wear Benjamin. If you put on a Shirt on top of a Tshirt and only fasten the first button of the shirt, and follow up with jeans that look like Kanye West’s experiments with fashion, it is obvious what you will look like: You could as well be a hairy lesbian who works as a messenger for a courier company. Have you seen how Jessica dresses up for anything? Jessica came for an in-house birthday party looking like she was going for a fashion exhibition later on. She even had a fur jacket. You came in a pair of shorts and a Tshirt written “Nakula Kwa Macho”. How you walked together I don’t know, because I feel people thought you were some homeless urchin scrounging her. Dude you go to the gym… Find a suit. If you can’t find a suit, get Pinterest and get ideas. Shave that Mohawk. It looks like a dead cat at the center of your head. As long as you show up mostly properly clothed and occasionally sober, nobody will notice you or what you say until there’s blame to distribute. Under such conditions you could get away with being a slow nerd, and she can focus on your looks.

Benjamin… You need to tell a true lie.  A believable lie. One of the reasons April fools day doesn’t appeal to me is that it relies heavily on deceit, which is a skill I use as part of my normal day. But the success of April fool’s day is dependent on the quality of treachery behind every prank. Men lie. We say we are in traffic, on our way when we haven’t even seen the door of a matatu. We say we have no money when what we mean is I can’t approve you buying a shoe every week when I have one from last year every day on my feet. We pretend to drink water at a restaurant while the lady gobble up whatever her imagination can fathom, because we cannot afford two plates. We lie. But a lie cannot be dependent on another subject Benjamin. Did you study paper chromatography? It’s all there. There’s a reason why black ink has brown in it without depending on blue ink, and still looks black on paper. I lost you there I know. Just watch Nairobi Diaries and you’ll get back to normal thinking status. But I mean this, you cannot tell Jessica you’re at my place when you’re not, and she has both my contacts and that of my housemate. You see the A- on her KCSE Certificate and the Law Degree she mentions at every interval? That’s IQ written all over. She knows how to extract information Benjamin. I always suspect she’s a secret KGB operative. She can make you talk nothing and get her answers. You need to let us in on all your lies first.

Lastly… Kill that dog you own. You’re good with dogs and all but Jessica maybe feels like she’s competing with that rascal. She feeds it, she washes it’s poop, she may have even tried strangling it but it doesn’t die. That’s the only explanation to why it barks at your own girlfriend. So far the dog has proven to be considerably less trainable than a potted plant. It barks at everything including the TV, and the dragons on Game of Thrones. The only alternative to this theory, which is known in most scientific circles as the Too-Stupid-To-Be-Alive Theory, is to assume that your pet is a reincarnated politician. Jessica doesn’t like that thing. How do I know it? Other than the fact that she says it everytime it walks to your lap, I have seen her feeding green sukumawiki to that poor thing. Just kill it. You can’t have both of them and I know what you’ll pick if I tell you to make a choice.

Have I helped you so far? I hope I have. Call me Benjamin, my number is saved on your phone as ‘Suit n Tie’.

Have a good week ahead folks.

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4 comments

  1. Bildad O'brian 26 August, 2016 at 01:28 Reply

    haha,… if Benjamin exists then i’d hate to be him, reading this…
    its a fantastic piece, funny, captivates and you even threw me back to paper chromatography,…
    kudos jalang’o

  2. chiby 28 August, 2016 at 06:32 Reply

    Nice one,but through my analysis you are a pet hater especially dogs.So I bet you have a disorder too…:-) They say a man best friend, so if you hate dogs what are you??!

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